The Art of Listening: Connecting with Young People

Over the last 20 years of social and pastoral ministry in Living Water Community and the last 8 and a half years as a priest, I have learnt a lot about the importance of listening and, by extension, the importance of good conversations with young adults, teenagers and children. Some refer to it as active listening, others say empathetic listening, and still others prefer to use the word generative. However we describe it, authentic listening is an art and skill that requires practice. I have not always been the best listener, but I have continuously tried to ‘make the journey’. My advice to you is to keep at it.

Here are a few tips:

• Get to know yourself, not in a self-centered manner but through being mindful or self-aware so as to recognize and put aside the insecure self that always seeks to be right, becomes defensive, and sees others as competition or a threat. When my ‘ego’ gets in the way, good communication breaks down, listening stops and I end up taking things personally.
• Listen therefore to yourself as you enter into a conversation and throughout it: What are you bringing to the conversation, emotionally, physically, spiritually? Be aware of your own needs and prejudices. I have had to learn to take possession of myself, of my emotions, so that I can stand back from my own desires and feelings, reflect and then choose a pathway that will not sabotage the engagement with others. This is not easy, but with God’s help, consciously working on myself, and some deep breathing, I have made some progress

For me, listening then is an act of hospitality. It is creating in me a safe space that is welcoming to the young person before me. It is being so at home in myself that there is space for the other. Henri Nouwen wrote of hospitality as a healing power, requiring firstly that “the host feel at home in his own house, and secondly that he creates a free and fearless place for the unexpected visitor” (The Wounded Healer). This notion of hospitality and the unexpected visitor has influenced me, and I offer it to you.

BE PRESENT!

To listen requires that we be fully present to ourselves and the other. Allow the listening moment to reveal to the young person(s) that you care about them and love them through seeking what is truly good for them. It is necessary to:

• Recognise the young person as an unrepeatable gift, not a threat.
• Slow down and be attentive to who is before you: their story, their reality, their needs, their journey.
• Listen not only to what is said but also to what is not said.
• Look them in their eyes. Depending on their age, this may mean stooping down to their level.

For me, this is symbolic of the listening encounter. While directing a July-August vacation camp I encountered one child who was particularly challenging for the teen and young adult helpers. When they brought him to me, I stooped down to his level, looked him in the eye, called his name and simply asked, “What’s going on?” This shocked him and opened a conversation space where I tried to listen and respond.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND!

This is not about having a script but rather an idea of the kind of encounter we want to have and therefore the virtues and skills needed to be employed to help make such an encounter possible. If I desire the encounter with the young person(s) to be life-giving, to help build trust and to open possibilities, then I need to:

• Be open. In my experience, young persons test us to see if they can trust us, to see the limits to which they can push back. Vulnerability and trust are earned, so stay the course.
• Be courteous.
• Seek clarity through a healthy curiosity but do not be afraid of ambiguity and the tensions that may arise. Young persons are not a problem to be solved, so do not be afraid to patiently, non-judgmentally stand in their shoes.
• Affirm them but also give honest feedback in a manner that seeks after their growth.
• Help them experience appropriate boundaries in the encounter. Say ‘sorry’ when there is need to do so.
• Bless them so that they may know their inherent goodness and that, no matter what, it is good that they exist.
• Let the listening moment be a mentoring moment also. Let it be a space that inspires hope.

Recently, I did a course in Conversational Intelligence and was required to assess the quality of the conversations I engage in. This means we should not only reflect before going into a conversation but also afterwards. We can ask: how did that go and why? How can it be better next time? Is there need to apologize?

I have found that praying before, during and after a conversation is helpful. It disposes me to ask, “What does God want for this person, for our conversation, for me?” It helps me to appreciate what Pope Francis invites us to, which is “to remove our sandals before the sacred ground of the other (cf. Ex 3:5)” Evangelii Gaudium 169. That sacred ground has its own story of God’s unfolding saving love and teaches me respect for the developmental journey that we are all on. It opens us to the horizon of creative possibilities.

Thank you for allowing me to share with you. Peace and grace to you all.